What I find intolerable…

…is people who go on the radio and say ‘interweb’.  And they don’t say it because they are stupid.  Though they are stupid, of course, but not stupid-stupid where they think ‘interweb’ is a real word; I mean they are stupid enough (yes, Jools Holland included) to imagine that they are being both original and funny, in creating a portmanteau (by collapsing two expressions into one).  Ha, bloody ha, I went.  Is this what license payers are paying for?  (That was a rhetorical question, because I know the answer already: ‘Yes, indeed, my friend, it is part of the service we must all fork out for’.)  If these so-called presenters wanted to be a bit more original, they could at least have said ‘World Wide Net’.  But then, why bother?  That would be NOT FUNNY TOO.  Hanging’s too good for ’em, I say.  So let’s bring back drawing, quartering and being made to listen to an infinite tape loop of James Blunt singing ‘You’re Beautiful’.  After each line, they will be required to shout the word ‘Interweb’, like so:  ‘My life is perfect (Interweb!) / Dee diddly dum (Interweb!) / I saw you on the subway (Interweb!) / With a brand new chum (Interweb!)  / You’re beeyootifu-ul (Interweb!) You’re beeyootif-ul, woo, woo, woo-hoo (Interweb!) etc. And so on until, through a process of Pavlovian conditioning they will learn ro mend their ways and never want to say ‘Interweb’ again, as they mount the gallows.  It’s the only language they’ll understand.  (Apart from English.)